Today I experienced something I hadn't realized I'd been lacking the past two months. Hope. It's a feeling I get during the query process. A feeling I feed off of like adrenaline. Not knowing when an email could pop into my mailbox is like giving myself a Christmas surprise each and every day. It's like the moment before the lottery numbers get pulled in that vaccuum-sucky thing. And I don't mind rejections, really, it's the nature of the beast. I just have to make sure I send out a new query to bring the hope alive again. I think this time around, I'm going to send out only 2-3 queries at a time to see how long I can make this hopeful feeling last. I know it sounds like I'd rather query than actually land an agent but that's not the case because remember there's plenty of hope to be had when sending your work off to editors.
There aren't many other areas of my life where I can get this hopeful feeling. The only other place that comes to mind is the hope that some day I may get a baby girl. But after 3 boys and 3 c-sections, that's quite a stretch. My husband put us knee deep in debt, I have a crumbling marriage, and discipline issues with my children. These things seem to be sealed in marble. I can chip at them for hours, days, months...years, but the beautiful sculpture of the life I expected just never seems to come to shape. Sometimes I think getting an agent and a publishing deal could magically fix everything. After all, if there's more money, there's less debt and less fighting. Naive as that may seem it's where this need for hope comes from. It's what keeps me sane and moving forward day in and day out. It's what keeps me fighting and keeps me positive. Because when the hope is gone, what's left? So for me, querying is not just about getting my name out there in the hopes of becoming famous or even just recognized. It's me calling out for help and hoping someone from the other end answers...and enjoying the ride along the way.
I'm really sorry to hear about the real-life things that have caused your hope to crumble. I hope you can hold onto the hope you have found. Publishing doesn't automatically bring money, though, since publishing is so slow that even after an agent there's still so much more waiting and hoping. Still, I am a firm believer that if you keep hoping and working as hard as you can, you will get what you need and want. Also, after an agent is secured, that hope will grow and blossom even more. That's always something to work toward. :)
ReplyDelete